He Has Changed

Like so many clients, Linda* (not her real name) arrived at her appointment with only the feeling that she just wasn’t happy anymore. As Linda talked to relationship coach Beverly Craddock, it became clear that Linda’s unhappiness was a side effect of the slow erosion of connection in her marriage.

“When we got married, he was this amazing, caring, loving man,” Linda said. “And the kids grew up with an amazing dad. But these days, he’s more interested in the news than in us. He couldn’t keep his hands off me when we got married, now I rarely even feel eye contact from him.” Linda’s complaint was one that Beverly has heard over and over again.

“The early stages of a relationship are all about the brain being flooded with feel-good chemicals like dopamine,” Beverly explains. “Love is easy when the chemicals are flowing but over time all relationships become about the conscious decision to love the other person.”

While many marriages grind through the stages of finding financial stability and having children, they become challenged by the transition to retirement and an empty nest. When survival of the family is seen as the common enemy faced by both partners, the couple is drawn together. When survival is no longer a factor, the partners tend to look to each other again... and things often look very different than they did when they were starting out together.

“One of the key problems in long-term marriages that fail is that the couple reaches a point of widely differing expectations,” Beverly says. “The wife is excited to finally have more time to spend with the husband - who they’ve missed greatly during the hard working years of providing for kids. The husband is typically tired of working and is looking toward retirement to spend time on hobbies or personal interests.”

It isn’t just retirement expectations that cause problems. Relationship expectation failures can plague a relationship at any stage.

“Every couple can find their stress points if they begin to understand their expectations,” Beverly says. “Even the simple things like a disappointing anniversary or a disagreement over how to spend a bonus check come down to partners having different expectations.”

Beverly recommends that each partner understand their own expectations. Then they share those expectations. If one partner is a "planner" - someone who can't do things without knowing the details in advance - they can take responsibility for asking about expectations as part of the planning of the day or event. Expectations that are shared can be met because we're generally willing to compromise if we can prepare for it in advance. Understanding and sharing expectations can prevent many of the arguments that couples face.

It's also important to understand how the protective nature of the mind creates our expectations. Expectations are one way that the brain attempts to achieve something good or avoid something bad. From providing immediate reflex responses to managing the automatic functions of the body, the subconscious is constantly protecting. It is also fueling our expectations as it seeks out joy and attempts to avoid pain.

When Linda understood her own expectations and where they originated, she was able to communicate more openly with her husband. His actions changed a bit and he then became a client. Linda and her husband are now finding the right balance of expectation and exploration that lets them both be more comfortable, happy, and fulfilled. When partners feel fulfilled, they are better at naturally meeting the expectations of their relationship, just like they did in the beginning.