Distant Couple

I Resent That My Partner Doesn’t Notice My Suffering

September 03, 20243 min read

Do you feel like you’re doing all the work in your relationship while your partner seems to be coasting through life unaware that there are any problem at all? That’s actually more common than you might think. Most people think that couples seeking relationship help are doing that because both partners are wildly unhappy. Sure, there are plenty of couples that work with us because they’re constantly fighting over money, sex, or other things, but it’s just as common for one partner to be silently miserable while the other partner is happy to steadily plod through the years.

While the clueless partner needs to do some work to re-engage in their relationship, it’s entirely possible that they’re disconnected because they think everything is okay. Some Head-led partners are so strongly wired to be problem solvers that they don’t see things until it’s actually a problem. It takes big emotions for them to respond. Over time, the unhappy partner has pulled away emotionally and built a protective wall because they assumed that the disconnected partner was disconnected because they didn’t care about them. What the relationship ends up with is two silent people sitting on the verge of breakup. The problem is, there isn’t an automatic way back without someone who can explain the disconnect and how to re-engage.

While the disconnected Head partner is where the trouble starts, the silently suffering Heart partner who feels like they’re the only one in the relationship develops a deep sense of resentment. This feeling of resentment actually prevents the Heart from noticing anything good that the Head partner might do. That’s right - the resentment makes the Heart’s brain blind to the good things that might be going on in their relationship. The Heart begins to miss the little signs of connection that can lead to greater connection. When the little connection is missed, the big connection is impossible. Not only does emotional resentment mask positivity, it also creates physical separation. The resentful partner will pull away - emotionally, physically, sexually - and leave both partners with little way to find their way back to love and harmony.

Resentment is like a cancer in relationships. If you had actual cancer, you’d find a cancer specialist and begin aggressive treatments to rid the body of it. You’ve got to do the same thing in your relationship. If you’re feeling resentful, you’ve got to find a way to get it out. That’s where VergeOfBreakUp.com can be of assistance. Our unique approach isn’t about being a relationship referee, trying to discover who is right or wrong in the relationship. In fact, we believe that you’re both right. Rather our approach is about helping couples become the two, solid, happy people that they’re supposed to be in a relationship. When you can both individually be okay and gain the understanding of your partner’s communication style - everything gets much easier.

Healing resentment is a good first step to finding the bond that you got you into the relationship in the first place. When we move toward each other, instead of moving apart and building walls, then we’ve got a chance for something amazing.

Randy Hampton is a Hawaii-based relationship coach and sociologist. He is the Head of Relationship Communication at Verge of Coaching LLC

Randy Hampton

Randy Hampton is a Hawaii-based relationship coach and sociologist. He is the Head of Relationship Communication at Verge of Coaching LLC

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