Missing Expectations

As relationship coaches, we see first-hand how expectations become problematic for couples. As experienced social scientists, we know that it is the job of the subconscious mind to determine the meaning of everything in life. Because the mind's priority is protection, the mind will natural assign protective meaning to most things - whether they are truly a threat or not. Basically, the mind is constantly analyzing other people's actions, words or thoughts - and then determining what we need to be protected against.

The problem with expectations is that we don't typically communicate them to other people, especially people who are closest to us. We expect them to expect the same things. We believe that because they love us, they are somehow just like us. Then we get disappointed. Then our brain takes the disappointment and assigns meaning: "if they loved me, they would meet my expectations!" But the meaning is often wrong. The necessary, protective response of the brain can trick us into false interpretations of the meaning. Now that we've determined that our partner didn't meat our expectation because they don't love us enough, we become even more protective against the hurt that we have felt in the past when people let us down. Protective responses are generally anger, anxiety or just plain stuck. 

Want to prevent conflicts in relationships? Recognize that we all have expectations about everything. When you notice that you have expectations for something, it can really help to ask your partner's expectations. Then share your own. It's natural to have different expectations - you're separate humans - and knowing all the expectations in advance can prevent the big conflict in our relationships. Arguing about expectations in advance is way easier than arguing about failed expectations that feel disrespectful or unloving in the moment.