Couple Arguing

Not every relationship is worth saving

September 04, 20243 min read

If you follow our blog, you’ll know that we talk a lot about reconnecting relationships. You’ll find all kinds of ways that we say it: saving, repairing, fixing, rebuilding, reuniting, recovering, restoring, etc. What might get lost in the dizzying array of hope for relationships on the verge of breakup is that there are some relationships that you shouldn’t be trying to save. Some relationships should end. This all comes with some qualifiers.

First, we’re pretty sure that most relationship conflict can be resolved. We’ve helped couples facing some of the most difficult relationship issues: infidelity, abandonment, sexual disfunction, addiction, long-distance, culturally arranged marriages and anger issues. We’ve seen how understanding relationship styles and changing communication can positively impact every relationship. Even if we know that every relationship can be reconnected, it doesn’t mean that every relationship should be reconnected.

It’s clear that relationships containing violence are always better to end. Abuse is one of those areas where it’s just better to separate. You cannot build a relationship when someone is using violence to assert power. It is never okay.

People must have safety for any relationship to function. If fear exists, then the only responses the brain can give are fight, flight or freeze. So someone who is abused in a relationship can only return anger (fight), anxiety (flight) or depression (freeze). That’s not a relationship. Demanding anything from your partner through threat of physical or emotional abuse might get you submission but it will never yield happiness, peace or love. The relationship cannot function.

We have worked with couples where addiction or mental health issues cause a partner to lash out. We have helped couples separate, stabilize, find appropriate treatment and then rebuild a new relationship. Even if both partners separate for safety and choose to work on reconciliation with some distance, these relationships require tremendous, individual and personal commitment from both partners. Both partners must recognize that their relationship is broken and their individual mental health issues must be addressed to consider forming the new relationship. In cases where children are involved, this may be a viable course of action, however professional assistance is critical to assure individual recovery.

Not every relationship should be saved. If you are a victim in a toxic relationship, you shouldn’t be looking for ways to save the relationship. If you are an abuser in a relationship, you shouldn’t be looking for ways to save the relationship. Find safety. Fix yourself. When you’re both healthy and you’re both safe, then you can jointly decide if moving forward in a different way is for you. The techniques you’ll learn from our site will help at that point. Otherwise, the techniques will just fail - like everything else you’ve tried - because nobody can love when the power dynamic is creating fear.

If you’re looking for assistance in making the difficult steps to separate, obtain help and reconcile, please feel free to reach out to us. We don’t have a simple solution but we can provide a reasonable understanding of what the journey is like from here.

Randy Hampton is a Hawaii-based relationship coach and sociologist. He is the Head of Relationship Communication at Verge of Coaching LLC

Randy Hampton

Randy Hampton is a Hawaii-based relationship coach and sociologist. He is the Head of Relationship Communication at Verge of Coaching LLC

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