What Did You Expect

There’s nothing like a vacation to take the stress off of the craziness that is day-to-day life. Of course vacations aren’t always relaxing. Sometimes they’re full of activities and some people will even say, “I had to come back to work to get some rest.” While some people like the jam-packed, do-everything vacation, others prefer lazy days with late breakfasts. Since everyone has a different expectation, vacations can, unfortunately, be a source of relationship stress.

“Rita” and “Larry” (not their real names) were a typical mid-relationship couple. They had good careers and two teenagers in high school. For their 20th wedding anniversary, Rita and Larry decided to leave the kids at home in the care of a family member and go to Nashville, Tennessee. Rita made the airline reservations and Larry said he would handle getting the hotel.

When they arrived in Nashville, Rita was excited to see the lively bars where country music stars can be found belting out tunes late into the night. The “hotel” however was a rustic cabin on old Hickory Lake - about an hour northeast of town.

“Isn’t this great?” Larry asked when they pulled up. Rita was unimpressed. Their anniversary vacation became another source of friction in the relationship. They were still arguing about it when they arrived for relationship coaching three weeks after coming home.

This was a very typical case of unspoken expectations. Larry’s intention was good - he wanted a quiet, romantic week away from everything. Rita had great intentions too. She hoped to rekindle their relationship with their mutual enjoyment of country music and their pre-children party lifestyle. Unfortunately the didn't communicate those expectations.

In the raging disagreements, neither Rita nor Larry could see the other’s perspective. The disagreement turned to a disagreement over bigger issues that stewed beneath the surface of their relationship. Previous disappoints from years prior began to get thrown around like bombs.

Most things in life come with underlying expectations. While Rita’s expectations of adventure went unspoken, Larry met his own expectations with the remote cabin. Something as simple as a vacation became a trap because the couple each assumed that the other person wanted the same thing.

Subconsciously we all have a different way of experiencing fun and relaxation. Yet even long-time partners lose track of the other's expectations. And our own expectations change over time. So much of what is expected goes unspoken with a partner often assuming the other has changed right along with them.

An unspoken expectation is rarely met fully. In a relationship, we have to constantly be focused on making sure that our partner is clear on our expectations. It’s easier to have an argument before something happens than have a full-blown disagreement when things have already gone bad. Unfortunately, couples will often seek to avoid conflict and merely hope that things will work out.

The expectation problem is generally a problem of communication. Ask a simple question: “What does that look like for you?” Even something like a visit from one spouse’s family should be proceeded by this kind of discussion.

Find the land mines early. If you know that your spouse is expecting certain things, you can help avoid the big problems. It doesn’t guarantee perfect lives but it keeps both partners focused on the same goal.

For Rita and Larry the lessons were invaluable - even beyond their own relationship.

“We recently went on a college tour with our oldest son,” Rita later wrote in an email. “We asked our son about his expectations and knowing those allowed us to make sure that he got the right look at the two campuses we visited. … Larry and I are also doing so much better about compromising on most stuff."

Sit down at every opportunity and discuss expected outcomes. By making a habit of understanding one another, couples can work toward mutual goals. Goals are conscious. They are thought out. Expectations are emotion laden and can get us into situations which lack flexibility. The goal of a good vacation allows for some give-and-take while the expectation of a good vacation generally results in someone’s expectation being unmet.

Love is easy. It’s an emotion and everybody feels it. Relationships, well, those are harder. If you need more help in dealing with expectations or other challenges in your relationship, visit our website at VergeOfBreakUp.com.