When We Want Different Things

In our 2018 book, The Couples Rulebook, we laid out the eight needs that most people have when it comes to relationships. If you’ve read the book already, then you know these needs: stability, achievement, importance, love, companionship, intimacy, renewal and variety. If you haven’t checked out The Couples Rulebook yet, here’s a simple example of how our needs (and our partner’s needs) can lead to trouble.

Some people need stability. Others may need variety. In our relationship, Beverly needs variety. She loves to do things and have experiences. She doesn’t own a lot of stuff, she’d rather spend her money on doing things with the people that have a connection with her. She’s more likely to enjoy a hike with her family than she is to enjoy a new television. Randy is a stability. He moved a lot as a kid, so he’s got this need for things that feel familiar. His idea of a great vacation is a staycation on his couch with absolutely no plans or requirements. See the problem? Our needs conflict. A lot.

It’s easy to say that maybe a couple with different needs is mismatched and generally doesn’t end up together but it’s way more complicated than that. Early on in the relationship, Randy was drawn to Beverly’s adventurous side. It was something that was missing in his first marriage. Beverly loved that Randy was stable, she’d never really experienced that before in life. At different times in our lives we need different things.

For us, resolving the conflict of the things that we need is as simple as communicating often. A weekend off generally has one variety day and one stability day. A vacation often throws in one of Beverly’s grown children so that they can entertain her while Randy does a whole bunch of nothing. It’s a compromise that works really well.

Needs are different. Explore your needs with your partner and work to understand their needs. Together you can find ways to get all those needs met… and that makes for a much better relationship.

Variety and stability are only two of the eight needs. How would you and your partner work through the differing needs for things like love - the deep emotional bond felt internally - versus intimacy - the physical ways that love is expressed externally? What about the challenges of balancing importance and achievement - when they are viewed so differently. Importance is the feeling that we are respected as our partner’s top priority, while achievement is often a factor of how other people see our relationship from the outside.

Understanding your own needs and the needs of your partner can be helpful but don’t assume that the needs are always the same. As we evolve and grow and meet new challenges - from career to parenthood - we’re almost constantly evaluating and adjusting our own needs. Your partner is doing the same, so what they needed in the past - and what you did to meet those needs - should be considered and discussed frequently. It will keep you both much more sane.